I miss my aunt. In weird ways, because it's not like I saw her all the time or very often. But it's like I could conjure her up whenever I wanted to. I knew she was there, just a phone call away. Now I conjure her up and I can see her in my mind as clear as if it were the other day, before she was sick. She is my Aunt Marsha. She is happy, full of life, fun, and funny. She is daring and cute and loving and kind. She smokes like a chimney and swears and gambles. She is my aunt.
Now when I see her she is only in my mind and in my heart. She comes to me at random times. I know she is in a better place, but I miss her, still. I miss knowing I cannot call her anymore or hear her voice. There will be an empty chair, now, at family events. She will not be physically present. I know she will be there, somewhere, in our hearts and in our minds. I can hear her voice and see her face. But she's not there.
It amazes me this whole process of saying good-bye. I can see how some people can never truly say good bye. Saying goodbye feels like the end. So I will not say good bye. I will say, Godspeed. And so my aunt will continue to come to me randomly, I'm sure..when I am still, and quiet and ready. I treasure those moments, because they are fleeting. There is a lesson in there somewhere, I'm sure, but it is all too much for me to analyse at the moment. So instead, I will just accept it for what it is and remember my aunt.
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