Monday, December 1, 2008

It's been a quiet week

I realized today I can go through the day saying very little....if the right (or wrong) people aren't around. I could probably go through the work day saying absolutely nothing. Some folks might think I'm stand-off -ish, or even snobbish, or aloof, but really, I am not all that comfortable starting up a conversation with someone I do not know all that well...usually.

I was shy as a child, lacking confidence and not very independent. I usually traveled in a pack, trying really hard not to draw attention to myself. Who needs that? I still cringe at having to walk down the street by myself, walking as if I had a purpose. Having my number called at the deli? Hearing my name called in a restaurant? Raising my hand to ask a question or to give a comment in a large group? UGGGGH! Then there's going to a party by myself, or going to a restaurant and having to eat by myself....no thank you, I'd rather just crawl out the door and hope nobody notices.I'm surprised I'm here to tell about it. I feel each and every time as if I might die of self consciousness.

So, to go through the day trying to act inconspicuously and invisible is not all that unrealistic.

I have tried to overcome my self consciousness and insecurity over the years, with varying degrees of success. I don't like change, I don't like strangers, I don't like new people. There, I said it. So when I found out I would be sharing my office/copyroom/corner with a window view, I acted oh so positively, because I am a really great actress.I have learned that if I act confident and independent and smart and perky, everyone will think that's how I am! Surprise! Will the real professional please stand up?

But every now and then I surprise myself. There are some people that just simply walk into my comfort zone as if they were there all along. Together we chat, we laugh, we create an energy that is more than the sum of its parts. It is not often, and it is not natural, for me anyways,trust me. My part time office partner is everything I am not-filled with confidence, exuberance, and charm. She is chatty with everyone, could hold a conversation with a goat, and makes everyone around her happy. She could probably do that by herself. Not me.

She is on leave at the moment, and it is really, really quiet in my little corner without her. I am the quiet one, by myself. I guess I can accept that without her there I am not much fun. I am back to being the quiet, serious unassuming one. What can I say? I am quiet and thoughtful when one needs quiet and thoughtfulness. And I will do what I have to do to get the job done...even if it means going solo occasionally. Thank goodness for chatty, social people. They make our days brighter and our worlds richer.

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