It should not be difficult to get a tan in the middle of winter, really. There are all kinds of tanning salons where one can go and pay money to lay in some coffin or closet lit by thousands of watts worth of light bulbs, for 5, 10, or 15 minutes.
So it was decided. With spring fast approaching, the lack of natural sunlight, the pale, white skin, and lack of vitamin D was beginning to get to all of us. 'There's this great new place we can go!"
"I'm in! Let's do it!"
Day 1, or should I say Evening 1. So many questions, charts, lotions, levels. Can't I just give you money and you can turn the tanning bed on?Oh, no. "When was the last time you were outside in a sunny place? Do you burn easily? Do you have your FDA approved eye protection? Do you need any lotion?" Thirty minutes later and a whole bunch of cash, and we were on our way to a Level 1 bed. Why do they only give you 3 minutes to completely strip and cover yourself with lotion? Who can do that in 3 minutes? And I have this very bad feeling that if I do not cover my eyes with the FDA approved protective eyewear before the bulbs turn on, my eyeballs will turn to toast. So there is this anxiety and slight panic that sets in trying to get totally ready to lay on the bed.
I position myself, the music is playing, I pull the cover down and wait....5,4,3,2,1.....nothing happens. Maybe she needs to press the on button. 1 minute....2 minutes.....3 minutes......nothing. Great. SO I roll off the bed and grab my jeans and sweatshirt and go out to the desk.
The bed never turned on..was I supposed to do something?"
"Oh, dear, I'm sorry, I should have told you that, ok, try it again."
"Great!" Three more minutes of counting down and waiting for the burst of heat and light.
This time it worked, and 7 minutes later, darkness. Done. Cooked. Slightly toasty and warm as we headed out into the chilly dark night.
Session 2: "You can do a Level 2 bed. 9 minutes?"
"Sure, sounds good." But I was smart this time. I applied my lotion ahead of time...so my three minutes could be spent undressing and applying my protective eyewear. I actually had seconds to spare as I waited in the super bed equipped ith mirrors, a radio AND a fan! Nine minutes later...I am feeling totally tan. But really, my face is a little red, and some other parts are blotchy red where I couldn't quite reach to apply the lotion.
Session 3: "Why are you wearing sunscreen? You don't need sunscreen..you're dark!"
"I am?" How would she know? The only exposed part of my body is my face and hands, and I am wearing tinted foundation with an SPF of 20. "Do you want to go 10 minutes?"
"Ok." What is it about someone working behind a desk that makes me think they know what they are talking about? I will never know the answer to this question.
So I bought some Sexy Legs lotion without sunscreen, and it was supposed to make me tan.
So, back to the Level 2 super bed with the mirrors, the fan and the radio. I also noticed a sticker on the bed that said maximum exposure time for a base tan: 7 minutes. Oh,oh. Well, maybe I already have a base tan. But wouldn't I look tan?
Three minutes is not a long time to do everything you need to do AND put on your glasses and get comfortably situated in the cooker. I think I had 3 seconds to spare. Phew, 10 minutes was a long time. My face felt hot, but the rest of my body was okay. I was afraid to get out and look in the mirror. But I did. Not too bad..a little pink in the face, but not as bad as I expected. I got outside and you could see my breath...I think I cooked the air in my lungs. By nightfall, my back was feeling a little scratchy, but not bad like a sunburn. But I should have known. No sunscreen, remember?
One look in the mirror revealed not only a very pink back, but stripes. 2 of them. I had 2 white vertical stripes running down my back. "What? Do you see that?Please tell me I do not have 2 stripes down my back."
"You have stripes." They were obvious stripes. I have never had so much difficulty with something that should be so idiot proof. The next morning I woke up and my hands were orange. Not only did I have white stripes, but the Sexy Legs lotion was also a bronzer and it had dyed my hands. In my 3 minute frenzy trying to get my protective eyewear on before my eyeballs fried, I had neglected to completely wash my hands with the baby wipes they had supplied. Now my hands were orange.
So, here I sit, hoping the pinkness fades into the white stripes; hopeing the orange palms will be a little less orange after a few showers and many hand scrubs.
Next time I think I will try the booth.
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