It's not easy being green

Kermit the Frog once sang a song from the heart about the trials and tribulations of being green. This song has been playing in my mind this week as I continue to lose things,including myself, in my efforts to improve my punctuality.

I hate being late for appointments. And it is said that it is a control thing. People who are late, like to have the world revolve around them...so that they are controlling the situation. I have a hard time believing that, but yet, somehow, subconsciously, I believe that it is true.

So I had an appointment this week with a Wedding Planner to get information and tour a venue for my daughter. The appointment had to be changed because some one's schedule changed (not mine) and thus, I was not in control of the situation. The appointment was now scheduled for 4:00 in the afternoon. Not leaving myself enough time, I tried to get off the highway and head though town, only discovering that I had no clue how to get there in a quick and efficient way. I had to call my husband who I was supposed to be meeting there, and admit I would be late. Upon arrival I had to admit I was late because I did not leave work early enough. To make matters worse, someone in front of me at the tollbooth tried to put a dollar bill into the quick change basket. And then decide against it and had to rummage through his vehicle for loose change-only to toss the dollar bill into the basket anyways: time elapsed? 5 minutes. There were red lights, and wrong turns and a big circle, that's all I know, and I was 30 minutes late.

The appointment was uneventful, and off we headed in separate vehicles. As we headed through Newmarket toward home, I following the Bravada, we approached the train tracks. Head down, I followed the vehicle in front of me, not paying much attention to the headlights approaching down the track to my left. As I awakened from my thought, I noticed the red flashing lights of the cross bar just as the bar lowered behind my passing truck and the train's horn blew a warning to signal its crossing. Phew! that was a little close!

The next event kicked off the weekend in a really big way. I was meeting a friend at her house to go to a hockey game. I was determined Not to be late. I rushed through my workout and dashed out of the gym and headed to her house. As I pulled into her driveway it was 5:00 on the dot. But there were no cars in the drive and her house was in darkness. Maybe she parked in the garage? The boys were barking tehir heads off as I sat in my truck for a few minutes gathering my stuff. Because of my rush, my stuff was everywhere. I got out of the truck and walked up to the house and the barking continued. I hadn't been there in awhile. I opened the door leading to the foyer and proceeded to open the kitchen door. As I did, I heard a beep..an another beep..the dogs were exhuberant! "Is anyone home? Hello??!"

All of a sudden, over the barking blared an alarm.."CRAP! You guys need to stay in here!" I shut the door and headed back to my truck, the alarm blaring a shrill siren like tone."Great. This could only happen to me." As I left a message on her cell phone, a police cruiser pulled into the driveway. "It was me," I fessed up sheepishly. He didn't really know what to do, so he politely and apologetically asked me for my information as my friend's daughter pulled into the driveway.

"It's okay, I know her," she said. Great.

I am glad the week is over. I tried to turn over a new leaf and be more punctual, instead, I cretaed more stress for myself and others. The worst was having to continually explain myself and admit the errors in my thinking that lead to some bad situations. Funny? Yes. It could only happe to me.

Dreaming About the Future

Okay, so when you get to be my age, it is quite possible that more of your life is behind you then ahead of you. But let's not worry about that. Looking back (briefly) I wish I had paid more atttention to my life in order to take advantage of some of the amazing opportunities that were out there. Like Oprah. But for whatever reason, I did not, or maybe I did exactly what I was supposed to do at the time which led me to right here, right now.

Now I am awake. Kind of. My husband would debate that statement. I appreciate every day and what it brings..and I look at what life throws at me as opportunities. A different point of view perhaps? Who knows. I guess it's kind of a "sieze the day" mentality. I love to take advantage of learning something new, or trying something new. There's a lot of newness out there in the world.

I recently got a new Blackberry. The RIM os is definitely different than Windows Mobile. If I had insisted on being loyal to Windows Mobile, I never would have learned about Google Sync, and Google Mobile, which is a totally fun experience. I had to learn something new, and figure stuff out, and it jump started my brain, and got me thinking (oh, oh) about the future...what do I want to learn next? What am I curious about?

And then I found out yesterday the school district I work for voted (finally) to build a new elementary school. And the wheels started turning...I now have a BIG project-to be a part of a team that plans technology for education far into the future. I can only hope to make a difference in the decisions I help to make and the things I choose to do.

So it's a good thing to be awake. I want to be aware and looking forward to what each day brings. And I want to embrace the little moments that make up each day....and seize them as learning opportunities. And we all know mistakes will be made because that's how learning happens. I am fortunate that my mistakes thus far have helped to forge the person I have become, and I am hoping that's a good thing. But that's another story....

So What is that saying?

This week has felt like one big cliche, or Name That Tune, whichever you prefer. Every now and then, when someone says something, or does something, or I am in a situation, cliche's run through my head, or sometimes it's song lyrics. Does that ever happen to you? And sometimes I laugh to myself, because they are really cheesey and bad.

1. For example, "When one door closes, another one always opens." What I realized is just thinking a door has closed often opens up another door you wouldn't have chosen to open on your own. Surprise! Funny how that works.

2. "It never rains in California..." You know the song. It' s been pouring there,one storm after another. I thought it never rains in California? What happened to the draught?

3. "Be careful what you wish for." Even though I usually don't wish out loud..that would be bad luck...it doesn't matter, wishes are wishes. For years I have wished my husband had weekends off, like normal, working people (retail isn't normal). I got what I wished for. What I forgot to wish for was EVERY weekend. I only got every other weekend. He now gets to WORK every other weekend. So much for that wish. I hate when he works Sunday, now that will be part of the routine. Hopefully this will open a new door. See number 1 above.

4. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I don't think that' s true. In my experience, it' s more like, "Out of sight, out of mind." I like to feel independent, and be independent, so it will be a challenge to be independent 2 weekends a month....and not be the control freak I am on the other two, and be happy about it.

5. "That's what friends are for." When someone you care about loses someone they love, no matter when, it sucks. I have friends I need to call.

6. "Pay back is a bitch" and "What goes around, comes around." And it works both ways. I feel I am paying my dues in so many small ways for the errors of my ways and to make up for life's wrong turns and misguided deeds. I do not wish anything on others, because of number 3 above, but you cannot go wrong if you are patient, kind, and thoughtful with others, no matter how annoying they are.

7. "At the car wash.." It's that time of year. I never go to the car wash, but I have this year, twice. The last time I sat in line for 35 minutes thinking, " I cannot believe I am sitting here in line waiting for the car wash.." but it was a Friday afternoon, and it was payday, and my truck was filthy and it was sunny and relatively warm out, so I sat in my truck and inched my way toward the garage door and the when the lady's voice announced" "The wash is available, please enter," I thought, "YAY!"

And so starts another week. Hopefully the voices in my head will not be singing the same old song. I wonder what this week will bring? Stay tuned...

Something's Missing

SO you would think this blog would be about me, losing something, again. After all, I did lock myself out of my truck at McDonald's on Saturday. I didn't even have my phone..all I had was a debit card, so at least I didn't starve. It was like being on some reality show when I had to pick someone I could ask to borrow their phone.Last week I thought I lost my boots AND my sneakers. I even asked them to look through the Lost and Found at the gym. They were in my closet at home the whole time.

Nope, this is about missing pieces; trying to find what' s missing every day, because something must be wrong. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and I love my people, but something is definitely missing. I could not put my finger on it until I went to a basketball game Friday night just to see my old friend. I knew she would be there, and she was. It was like coming home again, even though we were in Portsmouth, which is definitely not home.

We hugged, we chatted, we tried to catch up. We hadn't seen each other since summer, and in 10 minutes we knew all the important stuff. But more importantly, we connected and it felt good to be with my friend.

"It was hard, at first, with my new team," she said. "I really like them, and all, they're lovely people, and then I finally figured it out. They are just not my friends. I am not working with my friends anymore. But it's okay, it's just different. They are just not my friends, really."

At that moment it was like, AHA. She was so right. And I knew from speaking with others that she had not been happy, that something was different. Something WAS different. I saw her that night for a reason. And then on Sunday I saw 2 more former coworkers, and I realized, sometimes you work with people, and sometimes, if you're lucky, you work with friends.
Sometimes if you work in a place long enough, your people become your friends.

I have been trying to find my friends in the people I work with, and they are just not there. Making friends is not something you can make happen, it just happens. So I will go to work, and be with nice people, friendly people, smart people, and sometimes weirdly funny people, and I will try to fit in somewhere. It is so like being the new kid in school or the new kid in class I cannot even tell you how awkward it feels sometimes. And I will remember working with my friends, but I will no longer try to find them. They are not really missing, they are just missed.

The Dancer Within

How coincidental that ballet came up not once, not twice, but three times in one week! I will take that as a sign. The ballerina goddesses have spoken, once again.

It all began when I was a tiny thing, 8 years old. I would get in my little pink tights and black leotard and my mom would braid my hair and pin it to my scalp, and we would drive to Massachusetts. Up the big stone staircase into the massive hall, where upstairs we would go. Tall ceilings, large windows, warped wooden floors and piano music from an old record player surrounded me as I plie'd and tondu'd and learned all my positions. Practice, practice, practice..until one day, the chimney on the century old brick building fell through the ceiling and ruined the studio.

Fast forward to the studio behind the fish market. Every Friday we would make the trek to Massachusetts and get out of the car to the welcome aroma of fish and chips. But no time for snacks! The studio, now in the back room of a fish market had shiny new wooden floors, floor to ceiling barre lined mirrors on two walls, and a new sound system. There were no chairs for parents to watch. That was my routine. On the way out we would get a coca cola from the cooler. Week after week, year after year. Once a year we would get measured in earnest for our dance recital costumes: tape measures and tutus, shoe dye, matching tights, and headpieces; hairspray and hairpins...Andover High School...prisoners waiting to go on stage under the bright lights.

There were the ballet shoes, tap shoes, and pointe. I was so tiny my first pointe shoes were still baby size 13.But I was strong, and my feet were the right shape and that' sall that mattered.
The older I got, the harder it all became to leave my friends and fun and sports to drive to the studio. As the demands on my time increased, my enthusiasm decreased. And then one day, I had had enough. I marched across that wooden floor to Mrs. Clay and announced, "I have decided to play sports instead of dance." And that was that.

Until college. When I decided if I had to take a PE class, I would take dance. It was Showdance, and it was hard. I had not danced in 5 years and my body was not in shape. But I did it and decided, Showdance was not for me. I liked the practice, and I liked the rehearsals, I did not like the show.

Back in those days you needed 4 PE classes, or some sort of physical activity class each of your four years in college! One semester I took belly dancing. That was really, really hard.

And then after I got married, I went back to ballet once again. I came very close to becoming a certified dance instructor, but I had 3 babies and no life. My dance class was my one night a week to get out and exercise and forget about everything, and remember the dance.

And then, just like that, I stopped dancing. But I loved ballet. I went to the ballet, I listened to Tchaikovsky and Prokofiefv and I helped sew costumes for Portsmouth Ballet Company.

Fast forward to last week. Ballet came up in a random note, and I remembered driving to Beacon Hill and working with a choreographer from the Boston Ballet to get ready for our annual dance recital. It was my final season and I was 13 years old. Last week I also saw a newspaper article on a colleagues desk and there it was, the name "Edra Toth."

"The ballerina?" I asked incredulously. "Why, do you know her?"

And then I shared my ballet story...and Edra Toth, who was a prima ballerina for the Boston Ballet when I was a little girl, and throughout my years of dance she was THE Ballerina. I had not thought of her since I was 13. Edra was 13 when her family left Budapest , Hungary fleeing for their lives in the 1950's when the Soviet Union invaded their tiny country to squelch a revolution.

"She has a studio in Somersworth!" My head was spinning, how could this be? And then this week I met Edra. She came into the office and I was brought in to meet her. I told her how I saw her dance years ago and that I had taken ballet lessons forever when I was younger. I told her how much I admired her, and she was humbled, and very kind. Do you have any idea how amazing it is to meet your childhood idol? It is even more amazing 40 years later when you are closer in age and can appreciate the lives that have been lived.

"You must come to the studio," she said, "you are never too old to dance." And then before she left she gave me a big hug and said, "I will see you at the studio."
And that is my story. And it could be called, one more reason I came to Somersworth.

I am getting used to it. Call it fate, call it karma. Whatever it is, I accept it and it has made my life richer.

Winter is soooo long

Enough already. I am ready for Spring and the beginning of things. Winter is monochromatic..gray scale. Every day I hope for just a tiny splash of color and brightness. Today Bill wore an orange tie-I know why. The other Principals made fun of him, as they laughed at their own bad jokes sitting there in their gray and tweedy suits and white shirts and ties that were equally monochromatic. And then in walks Bill with his orange tie with blue and green and white stripes. I know why he wore it.

It is February. And yesterday was Groundhog Day. It feels like the movie. Every day I wake up and it's the same day all over again-the same gray sky, the same english muffin, the same junk email, the same "Good morning" when I walk in the door at work.None of it is bad-it's just the same. I want it to be different-for just a day. To break things up in this long, oh so long winter.

You've heard of stay at home moms perhaps? Or maybe a stay at home dad? I have a stay at home daughter. Yep. I have a daughter who has decided, although subconsciously, to be a stay at home daughter. I guess she has no plans to go to work, or go to school, or prepare herself for a life of independence, because she is working very hard at sleeping until afternoon, and not working. I cannot fathom what the attraction is in just "staying at home," but I think i t is an interesting phenomenon. I wonder if it has anything to do with the oh so long winter. maybe she's really a bear and she's hibernating? Or maybe she's a groundhog and when she comes out from beneath the covers and she does not see her shadow, she just goes back to bed until Spring.

So...another 6 weeks of this gray scale, monochromatic, black and white silhouette of a landscape. I miss my blue sky, my green leaves, my green grass, the sailboats in the bay, and the sun reflecting off my shiny red truck. I am ready. I am now counting down.